Illustration: Margalit Cutler
In the first few weeks of Saturday Night Live season 51, featured player Jeremy Culhane walked around like he’d landed on an alien planet. Everything felt new and surreal; comedians he had been watching for years were now his co-workers. “In my journal, I’m always like, ‘Hi. Another week at SNL.’ It blows my mind,” he says. Early on, he stood out as part of an ensemble of whimsical woodland creatures in the “Pinwheel” sketch and, later, as a fedora-wearing “Weekend Update” character putting things “on blast.” His recurring Tucker Carlson impression on “Update” is uncanny: a high-pitched cadence and a startling cackle. After this weekend’s season finale, Culhane will get a second to rest before heading out on a U.K. and Australia improv tour with Dropout TV, a comedy streaming service. But before that, he has Saturday’s episode, hosted by Will Ferrell, to worry about: “No pressure, of course.”
Wednesday, May 6
I wake up around 9 a.m. and finish up a couple of sketches. I didn’t really sleep at all last night because I was writing until four or five in the morning at the office, prepping for today’s table read.
Before the season started, I had more time to cook for myself, but since I’ve been here, I have yet to open my oven. Normally, I like making oatmeal or chia-seed pudding or egg-white burritos and spinach in the morning. Today, my first real meal isn’t until I get to the office around two or three. I get the Papa’s Breakfast Bowl from Maman, which is roasted potatoes with arugula, crispy bacon, and caramelized onions. I also have a sugar-free Red Bull to keep me alive.
The table read is a different beast from the show. Here, you’re performing to your comedy idols, all sitting around a table. It’s fun but very nerve-racking. Because I’m new, I feel like I’m presenting my group project for my fifth-grade class a lot of the time. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it falls flat. Table also happens right after “Tuesday bliss,” which is when you’re sitting in a room with people writing a sketch at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday night, and you’re like, We’ve cracked it. They don’t know what’s coming tomorrow. People are going to be crying with laughter. This is actually going to change comedy forever. And then you go from that to the Wednesday heartbreak, where you’re reading it to absolute silence.
But this week, I’m only reading one sketch, so I feel little to no pressure. Plus, the host is Matt Damon, and he’s energetic and funny and reads with a good tempo. He’s also literally the chillest dude I’ve ever met.
We have pizza and chicken wings catered to the office post-table. They usually choose this square-style thin-crust pizza a lot of people stand by but I dislike. We’re in the city that makes the best pizza. Why are we getting a not-good pizza? The fact that SNL, one of the pillars of New York, isn’t having the best pizza after a table read … I think there’s a story there that could blow this place wide open. The chicken wings are decent, though.
Afterward, people are chilling and going into different rooms to write or to snack on candy. Every corner of this office has a giant bowl of it. I’ve never eaten so much candy in my life, at least not since I was probably like 12 years old after Halloween. But now that it’s in front of me, it’s all I can eat. I need an energy boost, so I go for the Hi-Chews. They’ve also got these M&M’s chocolate-chip cookies and these little fruit containers of cantaloupe, honeydew, and pineapple. I go to town on those.
For a break, some of us have started going down to Jupiter, which is downstairs at 30 Rock. We hang out, talk about life, talk about our sketches, talk about comedy. I order the zucchini fries because Jupiter doesn’t do regular fries. They’re pretty good, though I do prefer regular fries. Give me that potato, man.
Thursday, May 7
I wake up early on Thursday to try to do a self-tape. It’s ten pages long, and two of the scenes are straight-up three-page monologues. I was planning on taping it with my girlfriend, who lives in L.A., but then she got called in to work. I get an oat-milk latte at Devoción downstairs and spend the rest of the morning memorizing the lines.
I head to the office around 3 p.m. On the way in, I order a bagel and lox from Black Seed, which I would say is just all right, but it’s convenient. I also get a chocolate-cacao smoothie from Juice Press. It has protein powder in it, and I add spinach because I’m a healthy queen. I’m trying to get that L.A. juice back in me.
Today is rehearsal day. I only have one or two lines in the sketches I’m in, so they’re easy to rehearse. Most of my afternoon and night will be spent rewriting my Tucker Carlson impression for “Weekend Update.” It’s me and my favorite writers working on it: Tucker Flodman, Maxwell Gay, Allie Levitan, and Moss Perricone.
After that, I go back downstairs to rehearsals again. On my way down, I grab an Uncrustables PB&J. I think I’m an Uncrustables purist. I recently tried a peanut-butter–and–honey one at the airport, and it just wasn’t good.
Once rehearsals are over, I’m back to rewriting the Tucker piece, with a brief dinner break where I order from Glaze Teriyaki. We finish the rewrite around 1 a.m., and I go home to finally record that self-tape with my girlfriend.
Friday, May 8
I’m up at 7:30 so I can be ready for a car that’s picking me up to go to a studio on the Upper West Side where we do a lot of the pretapes. For some reason, I was tossing and turning all night and couldn’t sleep for more than two hours.
When I’m there, I order a breakfast bowl from Little Ruby’s and an oat-milk latte. The shoot ends up being really funny. During a break halfway through, me, Tommy Brennan, and Veronika Slowikowska take a lovely walk. It’s really sweet. We’ve done this whole year together, and it’s nice to just take a random walk when it’s finally sunny out.
Later in the afternoon, around three, I get a juice from Joe & the Juice. It kind of feels like it’s the reason I don’t end up getting sick even though a lot of people are going down this week.
For dinner, I order a chicken plate with mashed potatoes and green beans. I don’t know where it’s from, but it’s delicious. Right when it arrives, they also cater Taco Bell to the studio. I used to do this thing when I was really young called Rock Theatre with my friend. His parents would drive us down to God knows where in L.A., and we would sing songs and learn dances. On the way back, my friend’s dad would always take us to Taco Bell. He’d be listening to AM radio during, like, murder hour; all the news was about crime. I remember being so shocked and scared about what might happen to me while I was eating my tacos. Every time I have those Taco Bell hard-shell tacos, I’m thinking about that. Tonight, I eat two.
The pretapes wrap around 8:30, and I go to 30 Rock, where we do another table read of our rewrites from the day before. After getting notes, the writers and I stay at the office until around 2 a.m. We’re at the point where we’re trying to figure out what it would sound like to a person who’s never heard it. You start questioning what’s funny after you’ve read it a couple of times and it’s not new to you anymore, which is never a great place to be. I end the night nervous, hoping it works.
Saturday, May 9
After another late night, I get to 30 Rock at 11:30. My mom flew in from L.A. to see the show for Mother’s Day, so I meet up with her really quickly. We go to a little Starbucks at 30 Rock, where I get an oat-milk latte and madeleines.
She saw the show live once before in February, and she’s really excited to see it tonight. She’s also obsessed with Matt Damon.
I show up to the office and rehearse a couple of sketches. Once I have a break, the writers and I rewrite the Tucker piece again. I steal half a plain bagel and half an everything bagel from the writers and I’m obsessed. They’re the best bagels I’ve had in New York. So sour and sweet. No idea where they’re from.
After the rewrites, we do a small table with just the “Update” people to get final notes. I break for a late lunch: a yellowtail-scallion roll, a salmon-avocado roll, and miso soup from Bondi. Then I go back downstairs to rehearse another sketch and the Tucker impression. We make a couple more tweaks to it and then it’s basically showtime. Figuring things out at the last second is my favorite thing about the job, weirdly. It really works for my level of anxiety and adrenaline. I’m such a procrastinator. The only way I get things done is if there’s a deadline.
We get through dress rehearsal, then around 10:30 they bring everybody into Studio 8H and slowly wheel in the boards that tell us which sketches are in the show. Lorne gives his notes. The Tucker impression makes it in and I’m so happy.
Earlier, I ordered from Upside Pizza for my friends in my dressing room who came to watch. Right after “Update,” I run back there and have a slice to celebrate.
After the show, I take my mom around the studio. She ends up talking to Matt Damon for two minutes and she’s freaking out.
She comes with me to Tao Uptown for the after-party. We get a table and order lo mein and spicy-tuna tartare on crispy rice, also gin-and-tonics. My mom keeps bringing her phone out and cannot figure out how to take a photo. It takes her maybe seven minutes to figure out how to get the flash on and then it turns out she’s taking a video. But she has a blast. She even talks to Jon Hamm, who is very sweet to her.
Sunday, May 10
I stayed at the after-party until 3 or 4 a.m., so I wake up late. My mom is like, “Where are you? We’re supposed to go to lunch. We’re going to this place I found. Get here now.” She doesn’t really care that I’ve maybe slept two hours in total the whole week. I leave around 3:30 to meet my mom, and we go to Delbianco. We’re the only ones in the whole restaurant because by the time we get there, it’s only been open for ten minutes.
I have the craziest meal I’ve had in New York so far. My mom wants to get the soup of the day, which is pasta e fagioli, and tuna tartare. Sounds great to me, bring it on. All of a sudden, I realize I’m eating hot soup and cold tuna. But it is delicious. I don’t think I’ve ever really had pasta e fagioli like this. It has a very thin, sliced noodle, and the beans are great. The dishes taste amazing on their own, but I can’t recommend that specific order. We get a beet salad, and I ask if they have any juices. They’re like, “We have some, like, cranberry juice that we use at the bar.” And I’m like, “Bring me that, sir.” Right now, I just need any juice.
In the evening, I do an improv show at the Gramercy. Ceara O’Sullivan, an SNL writer, runs this show called Improv With My Friends From Work, where she invites a bunch of performers and writers on the show to do some improv. It’s super-fun. I’ve been trying to do improv shows when I can, especially on the hiatuses.
After the show, while walking home from the train, I pass a Raising Cane’s on the corner near me. The first time I went to a Raising Cane’s was ten years ago in Texas, and I haven’t been back since. But I’m hungry, and late-night chicken never hurt nobody. I mean, it has, but it’s alright. I make a sad purchase: three chicken strips, or the 3-Finger Combo with Raising Cane’s sauce. Why do chicken places all have a special sauce, and why do they all taste the same?
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