With the tag line – when every bite is legendary, I was suitably warned.
Searching in vain for deep fried solace, when I came across this place, it seemed to promise fulfilment. A place that deep fried many things, be it pig, cow, chicken, fish, potato. It would all go in the breader and then deep fat fryer. However, they went through some prep first, pounded so flat, that they could compete with the latest UK budget for anything substantive.
Mains
Veal schnitzel, flattened pork loin cutlet, breadcrumbed coated, garnished with lemon, aromatic butter and fresh herbs. It tasted of deep fried coating of a meat. The meat was rather harder to discern. The carb to protein ratio was somewhat skewed.
Chicken breast version. Which seemed quite similar to the aforementioned dish.
Pork loin version. Which seemed even closer to the chicken than the chicken was to the cow. If I closed my eyes, I would be thinking that I was eating the same thing as before.
I spent much time trying to figure out why they all tasted so very similar. Speculation was:
- It was a result of when a steam roller goes over your food, it turns to homogenous meat?
- Traces of what had come before might still be hugging the steam roller so when the next meat came along, it was imbued with additional taste? That would explain the bovine hint in the chicken. Or the pork which tasted like chicken. Or it could just be contamination in the breader. Not sure which would be worse.
- All the meats were prepared in exactly the same way? Flour and deep fried, following them being mashed flat. A slice of lemon also appeared with all the different types of schnitzel. That, and a slab of butter.
Sweet potato fries. The fries were thankfully not pounded flat. However, they were probably reconstituted, which is another way of mashing things together.
Chunky cut fries. Although these were less chunky than I thought they would be. Although in comparison, towering in 3D compared to what had come before.
I came with hopes. I left with them dashed. Or perhaps I could say smashed flat. Then again, you could say they have one thing going for them. They are able to provide food in a consistent way, so if you like your food tasting rather similar, this is the place to go.
Score
Lunch (schnitzel and side) was about GBP22 excluding drinks and service.
A quiet eating 5/10.
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Schnitzel Heaven
83 Lauriston Road
London, E9 7HJ
